SIXTY AND UNSURE

Sᴏᴄʀᴀᴛᴇs B. Vɪʟʟᴇɢᴀs

Sᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 28, 2020

I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ʏᴇᴀʀs ᴏʟᴅ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ, ᴜɴsᴜʀᴇ ᴏғ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ; ɢʀᴏᴘɪɴɢ ғᴏʀ ʀᴇʟᴇᴠᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ. I ᴡᴀs sᴜʀᴇʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ; ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ I ᴍᴜsᴛ ɢᴏ; ʜᴏᴡ I ᴍᴜsᴛ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜɪɴɢs, ᴡʜᴇɴ I ᴡᴀs ʏᴏᴜɴɢᴇʀ. I ʜᴀᴅ ᴘᴀʀᴇɴᴛs ᴛᴏ ɢᴜɪᴅᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜᴇɴ. I ʜᴀᴅ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴇʟᴅᴇʀs ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇɴᴛᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴡᴀs ᴏɴᴇ ᴏғ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴘᴜᴘɪʟs; ʟɪғᴇ ᴡᴀs ᴇᴀsʏ. Nᴏᴡ ᴍʏ ᴇʟᴅᴇʀs ᴀʀᴇ ʟᴇssᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ᴘᴜᴘɪʟs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍᴏʀᴇ. Mʏ ᴇʟᴅᴇʀs ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɢᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ I ғᴇᴇʟ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ, ᴘᴇʀᴇɴɴɪᴀʟʟʏ ᴜɴʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛᴏ ғᴀᴄᴇ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴜɴᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴᴛɪᴇs. I ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇʟᴅᴇʀ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴏᴘɪɴɢ ᴍᴜʟᴛɪᴛᴜᴅᴇs. I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴇʟᴇʙʀᴀᴛᴇ; I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴡʜᴏᴍ ᴛᴏ sᴘᴇɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏ. I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ʙᴇɢɪɴɴɪɴɢ. I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ᴍʏ ᴍɪᴅᴅʟᴇ. I ᴡɪʟʟ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍʏ ᴇɴᴅ. I ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ʟɪᴠᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ sɪxᴛʏ. I ʜᴏᴘᴇ ɴᴏᴛ. Iᴛ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ.

Dᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴇᴀʀ ᴏғ ɪᴛ ɪs ᴘᴇʀʜᴀᴘs ᴛʜᴇ ʙɪɢɢᴇsᴛ ᴄʜᴀʟʟᴇɴɢᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ᴏɴ ᴀ ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ. Mᴀʏʙᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴇᴀʀ ᴏғ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴏᴏᴛ ᴏғ ᴀʟʟ ᴏᴜʀ ғᴇᴀʀs; ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ…I ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ sᴜʀᴇ. Sᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴏғ ᴍʏ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅs ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ ᴏɴᴇs ɪɴ ᴄʜɪʟᴅʜᴏᴏᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴇᴇɴᴀɢᴇ ʏᴇᴀʀs ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴅɪᴇᴅ. Aɴᴅ sɪx ᴍᴏɴᴛʜs ʙᴇғᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜɪs ᴅᴀʏ, sᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴘᴀssᴇᴅ ᴏɴ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴀɴᴅᴇᴍɪᴄ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴀʀᴄʜʙɪsʜᴏᴘ ᴘʀᴇᴅᴇᴄᴇssᴏʀ. Tʜᴇ ғᴇᴀʀ ᴏғ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴀɴᴅ ғᴇᴀʀ ᴏғ ᴅʏɪɴɢ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ɪs ᴅᴀᴜɴᴛɪɴɢ. Iᴛ ɪs ʀᴇᴀʟ.

Aᴍ I ᴏɴʟʏ ᴀs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴀs ᴡʜᴀᴛ I ᴄᴀɴ ᴅᴏ? Aᴍ I ᴏɴʟʏ ᴀs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴀs ᴡʜᴀᴛ I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴄʜᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴄʜɪᴇᴠᴇᴅ? Aᴍ I ᴏɴʟʏ ᴀs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴀs ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ʟᴀᴠɪsʜ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ? Wʜᴇɴ I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ, ᴡɪʟʟ I ᴏɴʟʏ ʙᴇ ᴀs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴀs ᴡʜᴀᴛ I ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇǫᴜᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ I ᴡɪʟʟ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇʜɪɴᴅ? Aᴍ I ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴀs ʙᴀᴅ ᴀs ᴍʏ ᴄʀɪᴛɪᴄs sᴀʏ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ ᴏʀ ᴀᴍ I ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴀs ᴍʏ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛᴇʀs ᴅᴇᴄʟᴀʀᴇ? Tʜᴀᴛ ɪɴ ᴛɪᴍᴇ, I ᴡɪʟʟ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏғ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀʏ ɪs ᴊᴀʀʀɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴜɴsᴇᴛᴛʟɪɴɢ. Tʜᴇ ᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴᴛʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ɪs ᴅɪᴍɪɴɪsʜɪɴɢ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴊᴇᴄᴛᴜʀᴇs ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ sᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴀʀᴇ ɪɴᴄʀᴇᴀsɪɴɢ. Tʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ɪɴᴄʀᴇᴀsɪɴɢ ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍs ᴀʀᴇ ʟᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ᴠɪsɪᴏɴs ᴀʀᴇ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴡᴇᴀʀʏ ᴅʀʏ. I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴄʏɴɪᴄᴀʟ ʙᴜᴛ I ɴᴏᴡ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʏɴɪᴄs. I ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜʏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍᴇʀs ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴄʏɴɪᴄs.

Bᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇɴ, ᴇᴠᴇɴ ɪғ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ, I ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ Gᴏᴅ ᴋɴᴏᴡs ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ Hᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴅᴏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ; I ᴏɴʟʏ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʀᴜsᴛ—ᴛʀᴜsᴛ Hɪᴍ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴀɴᴅ sᴜʀʀᴇɴᴅᴇʀ ᴍʏ sᴇʟғ-ᴛʀᴜsᴛ ᴛᴏ Hɪᴍ.

I ᴡᴀs ɪɴ ʜᴜʀʀʏ ᴛʜᴇɴ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ I ᴡᴀs ᴛᴏʟᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ɪs ɢᴏʟᴅ. Nᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ʀᴜɴ ᴀs ғᴀsᴛ, I sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ʜᴀsᴛᴇs ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀsᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʟᴏᴛs ᴏғ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇs; ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴀʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴄʏᴄʟᴀʙʟᴇ. Tɪᴍᴇ ɪs ɢᴏʟᴅ ɪɴᴅᴇᴇᴅ ʙᴜᴛ ʟɪғᴇ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ʀᴜsʜ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴏʟᴅ; ʟɪғᴇ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴏʟᴅ. Lɪғᴇ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ sᴇᴀʀᴄʜ. Lɪғᴇ ɪs ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ sᴇᴀʀᴄʜɪɴɢ ғᴏʀ. Nᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ, I sᴇᴇ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ; ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴀs ɴᴏ sᴇᴀʀᴄʜɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ; ɪᴛ ʜᴀᴅ ʙᴇᴇɴ ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ғʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴀs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ᴀᴡᴀʏ. Bᴜᴛ I ᴡᴀs ᴛᴏᴏ ʙᴜsʏ ᴄʟᴜᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴇss ɪᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏᴋᴇɴs. I ᴛʀᴇᴀsᴜʀᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏᴋᴇɴs ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ɪɴsᴛᴇᴀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴏʟᴅ.

Nᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ, ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ, I ᴄᴀɴ ɢᴀᴢᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟᴜᴇ sᴋɪᴇs I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɪɢɴᴏʀᴇᴅ; ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ғʀᴀɢʀᴀɴᴛ ғʟᴏᴡᴇʀs I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ғᴜʟʟʏ sᴀᴠᴏʀᴇᴅ; ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ғʀᴇsʜ ʙʀᴇᴇᴢᴇ I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴇᴅ; ᴀɴᴅ I sᴀʏ…I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴs.

I ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ Gᴏᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ’s ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡɴ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴜʟᴛɪᴛᴜᴅᴇ, I ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡɴ ʙʏ Gᴏᴅ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ. I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀs ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴜᴢᴢʟᴇs. I ᴄᴀɴ ʟɪᴠᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴍɪssɪɴɢ ᴘᴜᴢᴢʟᴇs ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʟɪғᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ ᴊɪᴛᴛᴇʀʏ. Aʟʟ I ɴᴇᴇᴅ ɪs ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ Hɪᴍ ᴀɴᴅ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀssᴜʀᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ Hᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡs ᴍᴇ; ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪssɪɴɢ ᴘɪᴇᴄᴇs ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴘᴜᴢᴢʟᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ Hɪᴍ. Tʜᴇʏ ᴀʀᴇ ɪɴ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ʜᴀɴᴅs ᴍᴜᴄʜ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴍɪɴᴇ.

Hᴇ ʜᴀs ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ᴍʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀʟᴍ ᴏғ Hɪs ʜᴀɴᴅs. Hᴇ ʜᴀs ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ᴍʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ᴀᴄʀᴏss Hɪs ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ. Tʜᴀᴛ’s ᴀʟʟ. Tʜᴀᴛ’s ɪᴛ. I ᴀᴍ sɪxᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ʙᴜᴛ I ᴀᴍ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ Hᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡs ᴍᴇ.

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